Guards! Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room ...

i love this dialogue…

Monthy Python’s Holly Grail - Swamp Castle

Keenest guards ever!







FATHER:

One day, lad, all this will be yours!

PRINCE HERBERT:

What, the curtains?

FATHER:

No. Not the curtains, lad. All that you can see, stretched out over the hills and valleys of this land! This’ll be your kingdom, lad.

HERBERT:

But Mother–

FATHER:

Father, lad. Father.

HERBERT:

B– b– but Father, I don’t want any of that.

FATHER:

Listen, lad. I built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was swamp. Other kings said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show ‘em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So, I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp, but the fourth one… stayed up! And that’s what you’re gonna get, lad: the strongest castle in these islands.

HERBERT:

But I don’t want any of that. I’d rather–

FATHER:

Rather what?!

HERBERT:

I’d rather…

[music]

…just… sing!

FATHER:

Stop that! Stop that! You’re not going into a song while I’m here. Now listen, lad. In twenty minutes, you’re getting married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.

HERBERT:

B– but I don’t want land.

FATHER:

Listen, Alice,–

HERBERT:

Herbert.

FATHER:

‘Erbert. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get.

HERBERT:

But– but I don’t like her.

FATHER:

Don’t like her?! What’s wrong with her?! She’s beautiful. She’s rich. She’s got huge… tracts o’ land!

HERBERT:

I know, but I want the– the girl that I marry to have…

[music]

…a certain,… special… something!

FATHER:

Cut that out! Cut that out! Look, you’re marrying Princess Lucky, so you’d better get used to the idea!

[smack]

Guards! Make sure the Prince doesn’t leave this room until I come and get him.

GUARD #1:

Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.

GUARD #2:

Hic!

FATHER:

No, no. Until I come and get him.



GUARD #1:

Until you come and get him, we’re not to enter the room.

FATHER:

No, no. No. You stay in the room and make sure he doesn’t leave.

GUARD #1:

And you’ll come and get him.

GUARD #2:

Hic!

FATHER:

Right.

GUARD #1:

We don’t need to do anything apart from just stop him entering the room.

FATHER:

No, no. Leaving the room.

GUARD #1:

Leaving the room. Yes.

[sniff]

FATHER:

All right?

GUARD #1:

Right.

GUARD #2:

Hic!

FATHER:

Right.

GUARD #1:

Oh, if– if– if, uhh– if– if– w– ehh– i– if– if we–

FATHER:

Yes? What is it?

GUARD #1:

Oh, i– if– i– oh–

FATHER:

Look, it’s quite simple.

GUARD #1:

Uh…

FATHER:

You just stay here and make sure ‘e doesn’t leave the room. All right?

GUARD #2:

Hic!

FATHER:

Right.

GUARD #1:

Oh, I remember. Uhh, can he leave the room with us?

FATHER:

N– no, no. No. You just keep him in here and make sure he–

GUARD #1:

Oh, yes. We’ll keep him in here, obviously, but if he had to leave and we were with him–

FATHER:

No, no, no, no. Just keep him in here–

GUARD #1:

Until you or anyone else–

FATHER:

No, not anyone else. Just me.

GUARD #1:

Just you.

GUARD #2:

Hic!

FATHER:

Get back.

GUARD #1:

Get back.

FATHER:

All right?

GUARD #1:

Right. We’ll stay here until you get back.

GUARD #2:

Hic!

FATHER:

And, uh, make sure he doesn’t leave.

GUARD #1:

What?

FATHER:

Make sure ‘e doesn’t leave.

GUARD #1:

The Prince?

FATHER:

Yes. Make sure ‘e doesn’t leave.

GUARD #1:

Oh, yes, of course.

GUARD #2:

Hic!

GUARD #1:

Ah. I thought you meant him. You know, it seemed a bit daft me havin’ to guard him when he’s a guard.

FATHER:

Is that clear?

GUARD #2:

Hic!

GUARD #1:

Oh, quite clear. No problems.

FATHER:

Right. Where are you going?

GUARD #1:

We’re coming with you.

FATHER:

No, no. I want you to stay here and make sure ‘e doesn’t leave.

GUARD #1:

Oh, I see. Right.

HERBERT:

But Father!

FATHER:

Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on!

[music]

And no singing!

GUARD #2:

Hic!

FATHER:

Oh, go and get a glass of water.

[clank]